Following my recent two posts on minding the gap and immersing myself in the work of Brené Brown … I found myself revisiting something that happened about five years ago. A thing that has haunted me…
About five years ago a friend who was in the throes of a very painful marriage breakup came to dinner with Tom and me. Towards the end of the dinner she told me how much she was struggling and asked me if I would contact her every day – as having a regular connection with her friends made a massive difference to her ability to cope with the current challenges in her life. Being “a nice person” I immediately assured her that I would – whilst trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my gut…
A few months later she rang to tell me that I hadn’t been there when she turned up for a massage appointment she had booked with me – I looked in my diary and found that I had her booked in on a different day. She was angry and upset – after venting her disappointment and indignation about the appointment she then moved on and told me how angry, hurt, and let down she felt by me – because she had asked me to ring her – and I hadn’t… I had completely forgotten the conversation we’d had…
I apologised and recommitted to contact her every day – now that I was feeling huge remorse, pain and guilt about my behaviour – or lack of it – her request to ring rather than e-mail or text – ringing her was what she really needed – to hear my voice – was difficult to refuse…
I rang her every day for six months – which meant that although invariably she didn’t pick up – I had to find at least 20 minutes in my day – everyday – to ring her – just in case she was there and wanted a chat…
After six months I had finally worked through my shame at not being there for my friend in her hour of need. And as my shame receded I got in touch with what I needed – and what a big “ask” this was. And so I told my friend that I would still be ringing her but that I was no longer going to make a point of ringing her religiously everyday as before.
My friend told me that she felt hurt, let down and abandoned all over again and questioned on what basis I was deciding that she no longer need me to ring her – she told me she was “stepping back from our friendship” and made references to other times that I had not been there for her.
Probably by now you are getting a sense of why this has haunted me for several years. I both felt justified in choosing not to phone her after the six months AND … I kept revisiting it … trying to feel that I wasn’t the worst friend in the world…
And then a month or so ago – in conversation with someone – I found myself telling this tale – and the person I told had a very different emotional response and attitude to what had happened, and he introduced me to Brené Brown’s work on shame.
And yesterday – with the help of Brené Brown and her systematic advice on how to conquer shame I found this…
When Tom and I decided to get married what we said was, “Let’s stay together as long as it works – and no longer” … when I talk to my children I say, “I’ll do my best and I may get it wrong, I may forget, I may let you down, I may misjudge things, I may put my foot in it”…
I love my children and Tom more than anyone – how have I been able to just be me and not try and “Fill the Gap” with them – and yet I sought to be something that was not realistic – not proportionate, not kind to myself … with this friend…?
And so now, after all this time, I can find the words I should have said,
“I really hear that you are having a difficult time and want the support of your friends – but I have learnt not to make promises or commitments that I can’t keep. You can always ring me – and if I have time in my day I will ring you back. I care very much for you – but my life is full and unpredictable – and I forget things… I’m just human – and I don’t want to promise things that I can’t then stick to.”
This letting go of filling the gap … as my children would once have said… is “Damn fine” : ) You should try it! : )
