I have had an epiphany. When I was working with some particularly wonderful people over a decade ago I was taught to “watch for the gap” – this gap was the gap between what our employers said they expected from us – what miracles they envisaged we would achieve with our client group – and what was actually possible / happening.

This observation was very helpful too, at the time, for revisiting my job teaching in a remand prison – where the rhetoric fell far short of my actual experience of teaching without a classroom, without text books, without a consistent group of students…

I realised today that I have been living my life “filling the gap” – filling the gap between reality and what I feel “should” be happening. No wonder I feel tired as I look endlessly around me and see people I want to be happier, healthier;  a home I want to be tidier;  a garden I want to look more tended;  a business I want to be so splendid that it takes away Tom’s anxiety about money… I can’t make much of a mark on any of it… I can do my bit… but in the end – it is as it is…

So… I’m going to change my job description – I don’t think I read the small print on the last one!

My new job is:  to look after myself; to strive for a good “work / life balance”;   to be available for my family;   to do enough work to hopefully ensure a modest income … and that is it. And any gap between what is and how I would ideally like it to be – will have to remain unfilled… there always was a gap,  there will continue to be a gap – it is just no longer a gap I am trying to fill : )  Phew!!  That feels better already : )