I nearly just sent an e-mail to my three daughters: I was going to ask for reassurance about my paranoia that they think I am crap with money. And then I thought, what could they possibly say?
If I am trying to be authentic – to be who I truly am – if I am trying to foster open truthful exchanges with my children – and I e-mail them and say, “I am really paranoid that you all think that I am undisciplined, self-indulgent, impulsive, and short-sighted around money” – what could they say? – whilst being 100% truthful – because I don’t want lies…
And so I thought better of it…
…and then I thought – to quote Byron Katie – “I am crap with money – is that true?”
And the answers that started coming into my head surprised me:
You are generous with money
You use money to live now – deferred gratification is not often your thing…
You use money to say “YES!” You use money to celebrate being alive and the gift of living
You use money to show you care
You spend money like you are not afraid – and THEN you get scared!!
You spend money because you want to live life in a world of possibilities and growth – not scarcity, lack, stuckness…
You agonise about money – think about it far too much – not having enough, having more than your fair share, spending money that is half Tom’s – spending Tom’s half without asking him, feeling guilty… and then doing it again – not learning from my mistakes yet again…
So I have decided not to ask for reassurance… but just to know that I am a flawed human being – it is what makes me me, it is what makes me both lovable and sometimes infuriating…
I spend money like I live – both with awareness and a conscience AND bending the rules and making up my own version of what it is to live in integrity as I go along…
I spend money like I love – believing that money has no end – the more you love the more love flows back…
I spend money NOW because all I ever have is now…and I am hideously impatient…
I spend money knowing that I need to love myself before I can love anyone else – so, someone else’s birthday – there I am treating myself to something I fancy…again… the family joke that is me… : )
