I don’t know if this is tomorrow’s blog posting early – or whether today is a two blog post day…
This evening I have been soul searching…and I have had two extraordinary messages from very special people I wouldn’t have expected to have heard from today … and both of them have had me in their thoughts partly because of me blogging…
I don’t think this is going to be a particularly entertaining or jolly post! It’s deeper than that…
Somebody once said, that though most of us say we know that money isn’t important – our thoughts, behaviour, the way we live our lives reveal this to be a lie … we may say the words – but it is not how we live…
I am as guilty of this as anyone… and tonight I am going to try and draw a line in the sand of my life and attempt to live differently … commit to work on being conscious, being aware of when I slip into old habits … and learn to live my life in alignment with my deeper wisdom – because my deeper wisdom knows that money is irrelevant and yet I invest so much of my energy, my time, my thoughts to chasing money…
Admission 1) …this feels very embarrassing – but I’m going for it tonight – complete transparency, complete exposure – I have fantasies of writing my blog for a year and then self publishing it as an e-book … and in my fantasy I am sitting on a sofa on breakfast telly – probably with Lorraine Kelly or being invited on the Oprah Winfrey Show – and talking about my best selling sensation… and yesterday I exhausted myself, when a client didn’t turn up, by going on the web and investigating self-publishing…
And the reason it was exhausting is because IT WASN’T ME … I don’t want to spend hours, days, honing / altering my book to make it into a best seller; I don’t want to promote my book; hoick it around publishers; do sales pitches etc etc …. what I want is TO WRITE… and completely magically, coincidentally, for people to chance upon it and for it to touch them … that is what I want… so I am publically letting go of this fantasy as bollocks…
Admission 2) I like swearing – using “ripe” language – but I have never let myself use such language in my blog before because I didn’t want to alienate anyone – as you can see from my words above – I have decided this is dishonest and you need to experience my use of language in its full glory…
Admission 3) although I love my work and I approach my work in such a way that my profits are a fraction of what they might be … I care about earning money and I link my self esteem to my ability to earn money – and at the same time I am ashamed of admitting that I set so much store by running a business and earning money … I think a lot about earning more money – despite behaving in ways that are both generous and foolish around money…
Admission 4) I spend far too long sitting at my computer…
Admission 5) I currently am leading my life in such a way that I am too tired at the end of the day to cook properly, eat properly…
Admission 6) I spend far too much time up in my head – in the past; in the future – avoiding being present, being fully in this moment…
Admission 7) I have a beautiful garden and used to be a keen gardener and I have neglected my garden for several years – focusing instead on building my business…whatever that may mean…
So I am drawing a line in the sand… at the end of last year I made a vow to spend more time with my family this year – so far with my brother’s death I have spent time I could never have envisaged with family members just finding out how it is to be in my family without my brother … be careful what you wish for…
And now I am making a vow to make my life about the things that really matter to me – and getting clearer about what they are…
So far I can see that what I care about is people – not money…
…what I care about is quality not quantity…
…what I care about is appreciating what I have – not chasing illusions and fantasies…
…what I care about is having experiences – not stuff…
I think that is enough for now…
One more thing…Tom and I had an extraordinary night last night – his work is currently very stressful – and he was awake – and I was awake – in the early hours – and we had such a magical time – so deep – just being with each other – and he said to me, “We have SO much…” and we held each other…
Today when he came home from work he apologised for waking me and breaking my sleep, keeping me awake… and I told him that I wouldn’t have missed that time with him for anything – that the quality of the connection between us had been so precious that I counted it amongst our “peak times” – times I would remember and treasure forever…
So this is what I want – to be alive; to be present; to live NOW, HERE and to LOVE…
Brandon Bays has a phrase that I love – I used it this morning in our meditation group, “Make your heart as wide as the world” – that can be my starting point … I can hear Tom going up the stairs to bed…I’m going to join him … with my heart expanding with every breath … night all…
