It is about half past midnight … I was woken a short while ago by my daughter – she rang – she’s staying with my parents and had returned late after going to a gig in London and been unable to turn the key in the lock and get into the house. I spent a while trying to coach her how to turn the temperamental key in the lock … in vain …

Lying in bed afterwards I noticed my emotionally roused state – and I realise I am just waiting for that next phonecall …

The last phonecall was about my brother’s death … the next one … the one my subconscious waits for … will be the one about one of my parents. It may, of course, be about a fall, an accident, or just illness – there may be more than one stage to this – more than one phonecall … but at some point there will be a phonecall that tells me that one of my parents is alone, bereft, vulnerable and that will be my moment to drop everything and go…

The phonecall after that – the one that tells me I am now without anyone from my family of origin – that will be a very different phonecall … there will be nothing to do … just a process of adjustment, of transition, of letting go of what was …

And somehow the phonecall with my daughter this evening … the gradual rousing – from deep sleep to become aware of a phone ringing – my phone … and stumbling downstairs, grasping the receiver – not knowing who will be on the end … or what they will tell me … somehow this has shown me how things are …

My whole life currently feels about endings, letting go, mortality – my own and others staring me in the face at every turn. It feels as if everything is being paired down, whittled away, leaving less and less …

An extraordinary process of life feeling less and less meaningful and at the same time more and more real … As distractions, achievements, pursuits become less diverting – often feeling pointless – what matters comes into sharper focus … but as it does, so does the ephemeral nature of everything … nothing matters but love and kindness and connection – but as I see this – it seems to come hand in hand with a knowing that time goes so fast that what one loves seems to be always moving away … I know I am growing into an age where I might have grandchildren – and nothing could fill me with me more delight – and yet – in this moment it seems almost unbearable – reminding me of how recently it feels that my children were little – and how quickly those times have left me …

So not very jolly … but grateful for being woken, for the opportunity of trying to support my daughter – and of another way to understand how little difference I can make – how things will happen – with me, without me – and all I can do is care, and love, and feel … and I do feel – so, so much … and tonight that seems to be my job … and shortly I shall snuggle back under the covers and hope for sleep … and a new day …