I have been talking all day long …

I have talked to friends and colleagues, to clients, to my mother, even to Tom … this morning I had treat of all treats: a morning with one of my dearest friends – we never stopped talking … but there is so much I never say …

Which is why, I suppose, I have this blog …

So today … the things I didn’t say:

I feel ashamed – I have so much and yet my life keeps feeling empty…

I long to be busier – so I don’t feel …

All I know are the things I don’t want to do, feel I can’t do anymore … the list is growing …

I used to come up with new schemes, new projects all the time – get caught up with new ideas, want to learn new things, sign up to train in something new – over and over again … but nothing grabs me …

I have been playing with the idea that the reason my life is getting more and more spacious is because there is some new challenge just around the corner … mostly I presume this is one of my parents getting ill or dying …

Today … briefly … I thought it was going to be a completely unforeseen complication around loose ends in the wake of my brother’s death … but it seems not …

When I thought this was what was unfolding I found myself full of, “Not more!!! I had enough of this when he was alive!!” – and no one to share this feeling with …

Currently there is a question over whether one of my brother’s closest friends has broken off contact with me – I feel relief at this possibility – and don’t like the fact that I feel relief…

My life feels more and more empty and meaningless – and yet instead of counting my blessings, finding new things to interest me, offering my time – instead I just find myself becoming more and more insular … but on the surface I look pretty much as I always did …

So I am grateful that I have somewhere to write this stuff – though not sure why anyone would want to read it … and … to quote one of my favourite quotes, “This too shall pass” and then I shall enjoy something that is more recognisably “the best time” 🙂