My next patient is going to be at least 30 minutes late – time to write my blog post! What on earth did I do with odd 30 minute gaps before I had a blog to write!?

And it is funny, while I was preparing for this patient I was thinking about my blog and I decided I’d got writer’s block; I decided that my resolution to keep going and write a yearlong daily blog was collapsing in tatters after just 13 days…But now that I have 30 minutes to get cracking and see what I can “bang out” – suddenly I’m fine…as long as I don’t think too much about it!

Which just goes to show, that identifying “over thinking” as a bad idea in my blog yesterday, was spot on…

Another thing I have noticed is a diminution in my hot flushes – people have often told me that the frequency / intensity of hot flushes is due to stress – and the importance of tracking back what I was thinking just before I had a flush. I have been very dismissive of this theory – and very resistant to playing searching for stressful thoughts – it’s bad enough knowing I have them – I don’t need to invite them to dinner and have a conversation with them!

So my hot  flushes have been getting better – and this coincided with being more relaxed about what I eat – and – thus – eating quite a bit of custard – albeit homemade goats milk, eggs and vanilla bean extract custard – but it does have sugar in it and could definitely be classed as dairy…so what is going on…?

And then I was sitting waiting for my next patient – before I got the call about the traffic on the A47 – and Tom was talking to me about golfers getting the “yips” and I could feel myself getting more and more irritated ( the monologue about Roger Bannister I could cope with…) – and then the first phone call came – asking for the post code for the sat nav (before the A47 standstill) – and then we moved to the kitchen and he started to talk to me about Danny Baker and Nobby Styles … and then my body started to prick and my skin started to tighten and I felt the wave of heat starting to go through my body… And I thought, “Damn – this blows my custard theory right out of the water!”

… and then I thought, “What if they are right? What if this is linked to stress – could I – possibly – be finding anything stressful at this moment?”

And this brings me to my next theory – a bit weird this – so far I have only mentioned it to Cristal – she is used to me being pretty off the wall – and it is this, “perhaps my flushes are showing a marked improvement because of my blog – because I have found a way of expressing how I am feeling, being honest, speaking my truth”  – and – through the feedback I get – I know that there are a few of you out there reading this – “seeing me”, “hearing me”…

As Tom continued to talk about Danny Baker and Nobby Styles,  I just felt more and more invisible – I can write this is in my blog – I’ve told him this before – so it’s not like speaking behind his back – though he doesn’t read my blog – so I might have to mention this to him later…

Anyway…being invisible is crap… I have felt it many times and it is totally rubbish…and … if it goes on for a while …my goodness me! It is a slippery slope…bad news…

This being free thing – the challenge, as I see it,  is that to be free I need to be me – without compromise – but I also know – being 54 – that when one is oneself without compromise not everyone likes it – certainly not all the time…being without compromise definitely rocks the boat, creates waves – and sea sickness is not what people necessarily want to feel…

So was I having the best time feeling more and more invisible and falling prey to a hot flush?  NO

Is the answer more custard? – maybe… custard seems to go down well not only with me but with Tom … perhaps it will be part of my plan to talk to him about my antipathy to being talked to about Danny Baker and Nobby Styles 🙂

I’ll keep you updated about the flushes as I endeavour to be more seen and heard, less invisible, and with the ingredients to make custard always to hand…  🙂