I think of myself as a “Yes! person” … but recently I seem to just be a “NO!!”
I have been offered the chance to be involved in a very special weekend retreat with very talented therapists – I would do the colonics – and I seem to be hell bent on finding fault with it – finding reasons to walk off in a huff – throw my toys out of the pram…
…not only this I also seem determined to spend a walking holiday in fabulously beautiful countryside not being present and enjoying it – but, instead, having some rant in my head… BONKERS!! It would seem that the same pattern of needing two hours walking to calm my mind down is in operation today… and blinking heck was it wonderful when my mind… finally… “shut the fuck up!” … it was like the sunshine coming out from behind a cloud – a really black and turbulent cloud – suddenly I felt relaxed, happy, warm … and sunny…
The first thing that came to me, as my mind quietened, was that I suddenly looked up and saw that Tom was not a couple of paces ahead of me as I thought – but several yards … this made me jump … and in the space where my mind tried to make sense of what I saw – I had the thought, “What if Tom were really my guardian angel? What if he wasn’t human at all, but a magical being placed on earth to love and protect me?” and then my mind continued, “And what if I am a magical being too? … I just don’t know it…”
And for a few seconds – a few seconds is quite a long time sometimes – I was in this magical place where both Tom and I were magical beings and our existence was all about love and service … I don’t know how often you enter such a place – where one’s sense of “reality” is superseded by believing in something beyond what we normally experience – but it is a damn fine place to be – even for just a few seconds…
As we neared the end of our walk I had another thought – sometimes, when I am feeling a bit lost, a bit in need of reassurance, I tell myself that I will get a sign – it is always a white feather – and I tell myself (whether I believe it or not is another matter), but I tell myself that it is the feather from an angel…
It is amazing how many white feathers there are in Norfolk, it’s amazing how many there are in my garden…
But, even as I had this thought, I had another thought, “Bah! I bet if I found a white feather now it would just mean that someone around here keeps doves!” … a cottage came into view … and as I looked a flock of white doves took wing from behind a dry stoned wall in the garden…
… and then I saw it … the most perfect white feather you have ever seen … on the grass a couple of feet away from me…
So is that confirmation that I am just a ridiculous 54 year old woman who has silly thoughts about Tom flying and angels shedding feathers?…
… or is this an illustration that I could either have a head filled with ranting about logistics and communication … or, instead, I could allow my head to lift me up to a magical place and feel my whole body chemistry change, and feel happiness so palpable that I feel it ripple through me like a warm tingling wave …
I’ve done a lot of talking about “having the best time” in this blog – often as a way of lightening the ups and downs of being human … in the few seconds that I was in the world of angels there was no need to lighten anything … I was FLYING … and really was…having the best time 🙂
