I haven’t posted for ages and several people have noticed – which is nice… so I am pushing myself to get back into the swing : )

Yesterday someone said to me, “I used to be really anxious and depressed when I was younger – but now I see that as just a phase – it’s not who I am anymore”…. and I really liked that, it sounded healthy, helpful – and as if it might be true…

The reasons I haven’t posted are many fold – but the dominant ones are protecting others’ confidentiality – so much of what I might write involves mentioning other people;   not having enough energy;    and feeling that what is going through my mind just isn’t that cheery!!

And today those things are still true – but here I am writing : )

So, my life feels dominated by my father dying in January this year, and my brother dying a year and a day before that. My father’s death just feels like a double whammy – bringing my brother’s death back to the fore. And the other thing that feels very present is my mother and my – very real – need to care for her and the practicalities of her life – including her finances – never have I thought so much about money!

I feel my life is dominated by death, aging and loss – but now I’m wondering if I, too, am just going through another phase…

I feel that for over a year I am been subdued, flat, sad and often negative – not that you would necessarily know that if you met me – and I hope you would have NO idea if I was treating you.

Many things come to mind … and one of them is about sex hormones – I remember being very struck years ago by a programme about transsexuals – a man born into a woman’s body taking testosterone and saying, “Suddenly the world is full of breasts!”

But, more interestingly for me, a woman born into a man’s body taking oestrogen and saying, “It is wonderful – I used to feel driven by my sex drive – almost like a slave to it – not always being the me I wanted to be – but now everything is so much calmer and more serene: I’m drawn to connect with others, be affectionate – and it is such a relief!”

So if life is just a series of phases – and my current one feels flat, sad,  and dominated by feelings of loss – is this OK?

I have often thought that I couldn’t bear to be a teenager again – the insecurity, the highs and lows, the drama! That is definitely true – very pleased to be sad and flat rather than a teenager again : )

But then I extended this question – including – talking of sex hormones – my body in its menopausal state – so if not a teenager – would I like to be in my 20s?  My father and brother still alive, my sexuality vibrant, falling in love with Tom, starting my family – so many new exciting things!  But then I would get my early years in teaching – hideous!!  Endless semi-suicidal crying phonecalls from my brother. A new relationship which was still in its infancy – communication not always brilliant – sometimes lonely and frustrated.  And the exhaustion of having small children – so little time for me, so little time for us as a couple – being pulled in many directions… worrying about money…

So my 30s then? 40s? – again loads of good bits – but many less good moments – and, basically, I’ve done it once – that’s enough!

So here I am, I’m 55 – I’m loving my mother and watching her – and seeing myself …

…so much to be proud of and thankful for – and also watching the physical body deteriorate… her body so like mine – her hands, her feet, her skin…

My mother is on her own – I have always believed that I will outlive Tom – and only time will tell…

But in this current phase I realise that there are things to be said for being flat – in this still – sometimes grey and lacklustre – place … this place of muted highs … muted libido … I find that I have never felt so loved by Tom – his passion for me, his adoring presence is just so amazing – it is SO real – and – after 30 plus years – it is definitely about me – not some illusion of me – but me.

Also, I have never been prouder of my girls and more content that I have been a “good enough” parent as I watch them make their way in the world – I am happy now to sit back, mostly just being  in the audience looking on – watching things unfold : )

And my business – I haven’t been on a new training course for nearly two years; or needed to commission a new website; or pursued yet another expensive revamp of my premises – instead I am just concentrating on my clients, being present for them, being the best I can be – and taking my aftercare even more seriously – which – I believe is both turning out to be good for my clients, good for me, and… good for business!

So I am content in this phase – I don’t know what the next one will be like – but I have the sense that I will be happy to live through it once – and once seems to be all that is required : )