I think this is probably the kind of post that makes my mother think that sharing on the internet is one of the evils of the modern world – but I am about to share with anyone and everyone my current dilemma – my marriage.

As those of you who know me will know – I am married to the adorable Tom – and he is adorable – but he finds work very stressful – and he works for someone who is very difficult to work for. Pretty much our entire life together – 32 years – he has been in a job he finds difficult – and he has been wretched a significant amount of the time.

So … my dilemma:

I experience his experience of work third hand:  his experience is subjective – it is not just his work – it is how he experiences it…

My experience is not just his experience – it is my experience of his experience…

Are you still with me? – or have you very sensibly decided this is the most boring and long winded and incomprehensible blog post ever!!!

So I have asked to talk about not feeling happy… we are going to talk this evening…

Now I am very clear that I create my experience through thought – so I cannot say to him – “You being unhappy and stressed at work makes me unhappy and stressed” – I know I have to say “My thinking about you being unhappy and stressed at work makes me unhappy and stressed”…

So whose problem is it?

His first question when I told him I wasn’t happy this morning and that I wanted to talk to him about it was,  “Is this to do with me? Is it something about my behaviour?”

So is the answer yes?  It seems difficult not to think, “If you weren’t stressed my life would be so much better” … and yet I know I create 100% of my experience – I can only experience things through my thinking   – if any of you doubt this I suggest you read Michael Neill’s “The Inside Out Revolution” based on the work of Sydney Banks and the Three Principles.

So I have spent years getting clearer that this is a big deal for me – AND getting clearer that I create my experience – so in theory I am the one in control – I am the one who can change things – if I just change my thinking…

AND as Michael Neill also says, “While mystics throughout the ages seem to agree that the formless world of spirit is reality and the world of form is just illusion, any Zen master worth their salt will hit you over the head with a stick or drop a large rock on your foot the second you start claiming that you “really do know that it’s all just thought”…

So is Tom’s stress the rock that drops regularly on my foot? Or am I the creator of my own misery?  And if I try to talk to Tom about this – and he’s upset because making me happy is pretty much the most important thing in his life – are we going to manage to have a conversation that takes us any further forward with this?

No idea! But wish me luck!