I lied…

In my last post I said something about “not trying to be anything I’m not…not putting on a persona” and although this is true – it is not the whole truth…

Every time I get a lovely message from someone I know – the people I’ve heard from!  – many I’ve not spoken to for years,  and I get a message,  “Been reading you blog – loved it!” – or something along those lines – and I get a happy lifted feeling – it’s lovely …but…

Every time I get a message it makes it more difficult to post… it’s fine if it is a jolly anecdote, but when I want to say something more real, bleak, challenging – then the people I know have read my blog – they come into my mind – like an audience of faces or a chorus – their faces pop into my consciousness and reproach me for not being the me they are used to, the me they are comfortable with…

And I realise that so far this has been a huge part of who I am – and it makes me a great therapist – this ability to pick up how people need me to be – and to be that when I’m with them … to take my cue from them and mould myself moment by moment to be alongside them in a way that fits…

And it works perfectly when I’m working or hanging out with people one to one – but it is completely impossible when I’m with more than one person and those people are used to different versions of me – I then find myself in the middle of “The importance of being Earnest”,  to quote a posh reference,  or any number of fast paced comedy films where the central character is running about between different people trying to perpetuated two different conflicting versions of themselves, or two different versions of “the truth”.

 

So writing a blog – an honest, transparent – “this is me” blog is a bit tricky… It was fine when I was burning my bra and saying I was going to live life to the full without compromise – or whatever I said – it is more tricky when I am squirming inside knowing that odd bits of language I use will offend some people, and other revelations about how I think, what I believe – or don’t believe; what I feel – or don’t feel … will just not sit comfortably with people who are not used to seeing “inside me” …

So “having the best time” – is that compatible with lying?

I need to go to bed – I promised Tom not to look at a computer screen for an hour before bedtime to help me sleep better – and now here I am, having got back up from snuggling in bed with him, to come down, turn my computer screen back on and write…

…so I don’t think I’m going to find a neat way to round this off – except to say that I appear not to be able to go to sleep without writing about my discomfort at having made a joke in my previous blog involving a four letter word – and yet my nearest and dearest know that that was not a cheap way to get a laugh – it was very much me standing up to be counted – it was me being truly, fully who I am – and yet – SO uncomfortable to be seen by you all – this picture I have of so many of you assembled in my head – because I can’t please all of you all of the time – and yet that is the impossible task that I have set myself day after day – most of my life…

– and the reason – one of the reasons – why I am writing this now, is because I KNOW that I am not alone in this exhausting, Sisyphean labour of trying to be all things to all people … where is the freedom in that? … or “the best time”…  Sorry no jokes in this one – will try harder tomorrow… or will I?!

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Emily MumfordView all posts by Emily Mumford