I woke this morning to discover that I had spent the night dreaming about buying my mother presents – in particular a DVD – and her being rather sniffy and ungrateful, and me going into a huge rant about how hard it was to buy things for her and how well intentioned my present had been and how angry I was at her reaction.
I was once bad tempered with Tom all day because of something he had done to me in my dream…
And then as I thought of this, and smiled at how bonkers I can be, my mind started thinking about how good one of my friends is – doing yoga and Qigong – and how rubbish I am because despite a recent resolution – I have done nothing… And then my mind leapt and I thought of the new turf we’ve had laid and all the places where it is a bit bare or uneven and thinking how I should have made more effort to avoid this – and then I remembered I had bought some things with spikes on that you strap to your feet and walk round your lawn – aerating it as you stomp about… and as I was picturing this and how silly I will look – a wave of fedupness came over me – where were they? I had ordered them ages ago – had I bought them from someone who had taken my money and run…?
And I thought – awake or asleep Emily – WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!???
And then I remembered this poem…
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.”
? Portia Nelson, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery
I am sure I will have the best time today – eventually 🙂
