About 10 days ago I lost my A4 spiral bound notebook containing my “To Do” lists.
I have made “To Do” lists for probably 40 years – but for the last 20 years they have developed a new layer of meaning. A meaning that has crept up on me unnoticed.
I first worked out that I had – in my opinion – a rotten memory in the 1970s. Around this time I discovered that my life was going to be hugely affected by exams and my ability to pass them. I also discovered that while my friends seemed to fairly effortlessly recall things, commit things to memory – that my mind just didn’t seem to work like that.
This could, of course, have just been my perception that I had things harder than they did – but over the decades, this sense that I have a memory that doesn’t work well, has become part of who I am.
So over time the memory issue has developed a life of its own. If I start a new job, meet a new friend, set up a business arrangement – pretty soon I do a little speech about how my memory isn’t like other people’s…how I work hard at making sure it isn’t a problem … but how sooner or later they will realise / have to make allowances for the fact that I just can’t / don’t remember things. And I will say my line about this not being personal – so if I forget to do something for them, forget the names of their children or other things they have told me – it is not because I am not interested or don’t care, or haven’t listened – it is just that I don’t have a good memory.
And then I lost my “To Do” list book – pages and pages of lists – mostly with things scored through – as I did what the list told me to do. I expected to feel panic – I expected to feel bereft – how would I know what to do? – who I was even? without my lists…
And then yesterday, as I reflected at this unfamiliar turn of events, I came up with a plan.
What if I didn’t continue looking for my list book? What if I didn’t buy myself a new one?
And what had life been like without it?
And the answer to the last question surprised me – it has been jolly nice!
No one has died because I didn’t have my lists – at least not that I’m aware of. I haven’t had any angry phone calls about things I haven’t done…no clients have turned up for appointments unexpected… I haven’t had any sad reproachful emails from disappointed friends…
but…
I have felt SO much calmer, more relaxed – and happier. My mind has been so less busy – which is ironic as I always told myself that I needed to write things down to stop my mind going crazy. But, instead, I seem to have stopped putting lots and lots of energy into the story – and activities that support this story – that my memory is a disaster waiting to happen. And as I stop telling this story to myself – several times an hour – it just seems to drop away…
Which is fascinating…
So I have sort of made a vow – let’s see if I stick to it – not to write any more “To Do” lists for a year. I can write shopping lists. I can write down plans and schedules, I can have a diary, write things on the calendar – but not frenetically jot things down as I think of them before they escape and are lost forever…
I am going to trust that I will remember what is important, and observe myself over a year… and see how I go … and even, maybe, look at simplifying my life and slowing down if I feel there are lots of things and I do forget things that are important… perhaps…then… I need to do less…
For me this is radical. It is also perfect confirmation of The Three Principles – which states – as an absolute fact – that our entire experience – and thus our “reality” – is created by our thoughts. There is NOTHING was we experience without it coming into our awareness through thought.
And the logical conclusion of the first of The Three Principles – which concerns thought – is that when our thoughts change our experience changes too.
Last week – my thoughts around my memory has reached such a pitch that I decided – as I brooded on recent lapses in memory, and things that I couldn’t for the life of me recall – that I was perhaps in the early stages of dementia. I booked an appointment with my doctor and wrote lists (of course) of all the “incidents” that I needed to impress upon my GP – so that I wasn’t just dismissed as neurotic or menopausal… I am hoping you are laughing – it makes me smile now : ) But a week ago that is where I was – my mind had created a narrative and everywhere I looked there was evidence of me losing my mind. And then I saw the documentary about the brain – and the nuns who both had and didn’t have dementia. And between that documentary, losing my list book, and a wonderful weekend with my daughter Polly and my lovely son-in-law – I have found a new experience – a new “reality”.
And in this reality I feel free and joyous and at peace – as my thoughts create a new experience – one in which instead of having endless things to do – I have a few things to do. Instead of feeling I am going out of my mind and descending into ill health – I now experience myself as someone with extraordinarily good health – both mental and physical. And I am very aware of how important discovering and really getting to understand The Three Principles has been to me being able to enjoy this “reality” – instead of the one I was living in last week : )
There is an event this weekend (Friday 12th Saturday 13th February) in Norwich about The Three Principles – and evening for £10 and then – for those who are really keen – a full day – to find out more click here.
