This blog has had so many titles – the title comes first – then the blog…
…in that case – I hear you ask – why does the title often have nothing discernable that links it to the title? … except that if I chose the title afterwards – that question would be even more pertinent…
Anyway, enough of this… today is another lack lustre day – as in – I lack lustre!
The new bra collection is assembling – I chose one bra out of six from the first delivery and have now ordered my perfect bra in a couple more colours to be delivered next week. One of the reasons that I think I resort to retail therapy is that it contains an illusion of moving forward, of something being new and improved, a sense of doing something which – in the days of internet shopping doesn’t even need me to leave my chair…
What is this obsession with doing, with making things happen, with being busy? When I’m in that mode everything seems right with the world – I’m too busy to question, too busy to be uncomfortable, too busy to notice – and the world is full of external messages about the positives of everything being new and shiny, of working hard, of being employed, or having more.
Somebody – I think it may be Robert Holden – once said, “Where is the ease in more?” I have in my book of favourite quotes “Less is more” – and I have experienced it to be true so many times – and yet I still chase the “more is better” illusion…
Today one of my clients said to me, “Maybe this is a time for stillness” – and I think she is right – and yet I find it very hard – which takes me to another favourite quote, and I can’t remember quite how it goes, but it is something like: “It is simple – but that does not mean it is easy”.
So today – having nothing jolly or amusing to report – I did have a possible tale of me wetting myself yesterday – but decided that only menopausal women would relate to it and get the joke and everyone else would just be repulsed and alienated – so I decided not to share that one…
So in the absence of self-deprecating stories I will attempt to say something reflective…which bring me to my theme of the day – REFLECTION…
I have a recording of a Michael Neill talk which makes the connection between the two means of the word “reflection” – and the link is this – a reflection presumably had its earliest incarnation as a reflection in water – on a lake or pond – and was only visible when everything became completely still – and reflection, as an internal process, requires us to be still – for the mind to settle and find stillness.
I am tired, I feel there is a lot “going on” – in the last few months my family of origin has changed completely – we were a family of four – two parents, two children – there was a symmetry to that – and a protection in numbers. And I was a child – one of two – with two parents – functioning worldly wise adults. I am now an only child of two parents one of who is functioning at a level where he doesn’t know who I am, and has to be reminded how to make a cup of coffee – something he does at least three times a day, everyday…
That’s a lot to process…my experience of the world is not what it was 13 months ago – 13 months ago I became responsible for my parents – and this January I got to tell them their son was dead…
So what I think I need is stillness – a time for things to settle – a time for reflection – what was that quote again “It’s simple – but that doesn’t mean it’s easy”…
I find it so hard to be still – to sit with this – to reflect – and yet it makes perfect sense that this is what I need…but instead I buy bras…I distract myself, I itch to be busy – to tackle jobs – and yet I know that I am tired and that what I need is to sit…
I have a process, when I write this blog, I write fast and make lots of spelling mistakes and typos, and then cut and paste what I have written on to a word document, which highlights my errors, and then I correct them and post the edited version on my website…but the process involves me saving what I have written with the date and the words “the best time” – as I do this I realise that the title of this blog in this format is “the best time 22.5.14”
– the 22nd May is my brother’s birthday – and I had forgotten that this is a blog with the theme of “having the best time”
– am I having the best time today? I suppose so because this is the best I can manage – I cannot be busy, I don’t feel up to tackling my – ever lengthening – to do list.
But I am SO fortunate – living my life the way I do – surrounded by a supportive partner, daughters and my friends – food to eat, a lovely comfortable bed, a sofa – and a telly! Yes, I am having the best time – because these things enable me to be free, enable me to stop – to be tired – to not pretend or have to override this tiredness…
But the next step – something I would really love – would be to be comfortable to take this time to reflect – not just to sit on the sofa, eat and watch telly – to stop myself being fully with what’s here… as someone who leads a meditation group this is perhaps quite an admission…
…but then… “it may be simple…but that doesn’t mean it is easy”… and freedom for me starts with honesty – and this is me – occasionally incontinent – and still working at being still enough to reflect…
